Happy Halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! I hope everyone had a fun Halloween. Chris and I didn't do much. We just stayed home and passed out candy. We only had like 7 trick or treaters haha. We still have lots of candy (which isn't good...I think I'm going th throw it away so I don't eat it).

Tomorrow we're going to dinner with our good friends who are PCS'ing at the end of November. It's going ot be really hard to go because my friend is pregnant. She's due only a month after I was. To be honest I'm jealous. I'm more than jealous. I wish soooo badly that I was still pregnant but I'm not. Today I was talking with Tiffany and she brought up some good points. I think being around my friend will help me to move on a little bit. Of course I'm still hurting but I think by seeing her it will hel me to heal. I'm excited about trying again but it's still going to be hard for me to see her. Her baby shower is coming up in November and I've decided not to go. It's a week before I was due so it will just be too hard to go. Especially since she's also having a boy. I'm happy for her, don't get me wrong but the month of November in general will be hard for me....so I really don't feel like putting myself through more difficult things than I need to and a baby shower would be beyond difficult.

This upcoming week I'll be babysitting Chris' SGT's son. His name's Brent and he's 10 months old. Today I met with her so I could meet Brent before I started watching him for the week. He is such a happy baby! Sooooo cute too. I'm excited about watching him. Tiffany is going to come hang out with me and the baby which will be a lot of fun. :) Although I'm sure it's going to make me and Tiffany want baby's even more (if that's even possible). I think we'll have fun with him!! On November 4th I get to keep him over night because his mom has to work a 24 hour shift (gotta love the Army!). I'm glad I'll have a baby around. I think it will keep me thinking positive. I've decided to try not to stress out too much about getting pregnant. The problem is though that it's easier said than done so we'll see how that goes! It's weird I have no problem being around Brent and he's a baby. I had no problem being around Christy's kids and their 1 and 2 but I have a REALLY hard time being around pregnant people. There's a girl I'm kinda friends with not really and she asked me to babysit her newborn daughter and I couldn't do it. It's just strange.. I'm not sure why I'm okay being around some babies/kids and not others. Maybe it's because Brent and Orion and Danika are older...they are newborns. I dunno.

Well I'm going to get off of here. Chris and I just got done watching the Heartbreak Kid (FUNNY movie), and I've rambeled on long enough. Have a great weekend!!!

I'm not losing any weight...

So lately I've been trying to lose weight. It hasn't been going too well. I had been working out EVERY day but then I kinda slacked off for a week . Now that I got the Wii Fit for my birthday I've gotten back to working out everyday. I'm going to try to do the Wii Fit in the morning, along with the eliptical and then do the Wii Fit again at night. I really haven't been eating bad at all so I'm pretty frustrated that I haven't lost any weight. I'm just staying the same (which is better than gaining). I used to do LA Weight Loss and it helped to write down everything I was eating. So here it goes...if anyone reading this knows anything about diet and exercise feel free to give me some tips haha. This is what I ate all day yesterday: Breakfast - fat free vanilla yogurt with granola. Lunch - turkey and swiss sandwhich with tomatos, (I buy the Sara Lee 45 calorie a slice whole wheat bread) and a mini bag of French Onion Sunchips. Dinner - BBQ pork chop, green beans, pasta and a garden salad with a little dressing. I know it's not the best to eat Sun Chips but it was one of the small 1 oz. bags and the pasta I had with dinner I just had a small amount. The serving size on the box was 1 cup and I probably had a 1/4 of a cup serving. Anyways I've just been frustrated lately so I thought this might help to write about it. I'm hoping that by losing weight it will help me to not only be healthier but also maybe get pregnant faster. Who knows! Well Ii'm going to go do the Wii Fit now...Hope everyone has a great day!

I need to vent...

I am truly amazed at how some people can call themselves "friends" Friendship is NOT one sided. It takes two people...just like any other kind of relationship. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything but I think I'm a pretty good friend. I try to be there for my friends and I'd do anything for them. I have this "friend" who I've known for 4 years now. We used to hang out a lot and we've always talked on a regular basis even when she lived out of state. This last February she met one of Chris' friends when she was over at our house and they started hanging out. They never officially dated. She thought they were in a relationship but he continued to be with other girls and they were basically just friends with benefits. This summer he got stationed down in Texas and she was devestated. She recently bought a plane ticket to go fly down and visit him in November. Well yesterday her world apparently came "crashing down" when he broke up with her. She called me crying and saying how she wished she could get rid of her life and she was so hurt and blah blah. I was a good friend and listened to her go on and on. I kept telling her how sorry I was and maybe they could talk things out when he called her that night. For some reason I felt the need to be a good friend to her even though she hasn't been a good friend to me. After everything happened with Carson she called maybe twice. I would try to talk about him and how I was feeling and she would totally change the subject and not aknowledge anything I said. Well today she calls me crying again and has the nerve to ask me "Do you know what it feels like to lose someone you love so much?". Ummm hello...I lost my son! Of course I know what that feels like! Don't get me wrong we've all been "heart broken" before when someone has broken up with us but we all have to admit that things have gotten better and we realize that they weren't the one for us and we move on. You can never really move on after the loss of a child. Yes the days get easier but that pain never completely goes away. Ever. After listening to her blab on about how it hurts so much she goes on to whine about how everything bad ONLY happens to her. I just wanted to scream. I kept thinking is she serious? Does she honestly think she has it THAT bad? She even went on to talk about how having her daughter was bad, but she made that decision when she had sex. I can't believe a mother would say that about her child. She should be thanking God that she has a damn healthy child that is ALIVE. I guess I'm just so mad that I put forth so much effort into a friendship and get NOTHING in return. I expect a "friend" to at least be there for me and listen when I need to talk but she didn't even do that. I guess all in all this has finally made me realize that I need to just stop talking to her and be thankful for the great friends that I do have. The last few months have made me realize who my true friends are and I am sooooooo thankful to have them in my life! I know that they would do anything for me and they are always there when I need to talk! Thanks Tiffany and Christy! I guess I just need to write this big ol' long entry to get some things off my chest. I've just been annoyed today by that "friend" and by everyone and their damn dog being pregnant. When is it going to be mine and Tiffany's turn? I think we deserve it!

An update

I haven't written in a while so I thought I'd give everyone an update on what's been going on. Yesterday I turned 22. I had a great birthday! I have the best friends and family in the world! This was the first time since Chris and I have been together that he's been here for my birthday. He missed the first 2 because he was in Iraq. So it was really nice to have him here for it :) We went out to dinner on my birthday with my best friends and their husbands and my parents came along too. They came to visit me and bring me some presents which is always nice haha. I was hoping that I was going to be pregnant because my period was 2 days late. It would have been the best birthday present EVER but it decided to show up the day before my birthday. At least now I know how long my cycle is. Even though it probably wont be the same next month! I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. Just a check up with my high risk OB since I didn't have one after I had Carson. I've got a few questions to ask so hopefully he can help me out with figuring out my cycle and give me some answers! Christy is leaving on Tuesday. I still can't believe their moving to Colorado. I'm so sad. What are Tiffany and I going to do without her? No matter where we live we'll always be best friends. I think Tiffany and I need to plan a trip to Colorado VERY soon for a visit! I'm getting excited for the holiday's but as they get closer and closer I keep thinking about my due date. I was due November 26th the day before Thanksgiving. I would be 36 weeks pregnant right now. So I'm having a hard time with that. Hopefully it will get easier with time. I want to do something nice on my due date for Carson but I haven't decided what yet. Well I just wanted to write an update on everything that's been going on with me lately. Sorry if it doesn't make sense. I tend to jump from subject to subject. Oh well. I'm going to get off here and go lay in bed and watch some TV. I'm starting to feel like I'm coming down with a cold. Yuck. Goodnight!

Our Genetics Appointment Today...

This morning we had an appointment with a Genetics Counselor. He confirmed that nothing Carson had was genetic. Not even his aorta coming off the right side of his heart. He said that there is no chance of having another baby with Gastroschisis or the heart condition. He agreed with our other doctor that it was just something sparatic that happened. He also said that since I've never had a history of blood clots that I probably wont get them the next time I'm pregnant but I'll still be put on blood thinners and see my high risk OB just to be safe. We were also told that he doesn't believe that I have a higher risk of a miscarriage. He said that it is just some doctor's theories that women with the blood clotting disorder are at a higher risk. My high risk OB does believe that I am at a higher risk for a miscarriage though. Either way the appointment today went great! :) We miss Carson so much and what happened with him was so tragic but it is such a relief to know that we wont have to go through that kind of pain again. He told us that we'd be able to have healthy babies and he let me know everything I should do, like take extra folic acid and a baby asprin. I'm already doing that so he said I'm on the right track. I can't wait to be pregnant again! Hopefully my friend Tiffany and I will both get pregnant VERY soon! Hopefully we'll be carrying those matching Juicy diaper bags to playdates and the mall before we know it! haha Just wanted to give everyone an update since I haven't been online much the past few days. My parents were visiting. Well I'm gonna go make dinner now...It's taco night tonight. YUMMY!!

Today is...

October 15th and it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7pm people around the world lit a candle for all the angel babies out there. Chris and I each lit a candle for Carson and told him that we love him and miss him. It isn't too late to light a candle in rememberance of all the little angels that were taken WAY too soon. Thank you to all our friends and family (and even people we don't know) who lit a candle.

Carson Christopher Cramer
August 13th 2008
Forever Loved and Never Forgotten!!!

Carson's autopsy results...

A little over an hour ago we got a call from Dr. Batig that Carson's autopsy results were in. Carson did in fact have a large case of Gastroschisis and his liver was also outside of his body. They also checked his heart and found that the aorta was coming off to the right side of the heart instead of the left. Other than that his heart was perfectly fine. If Carson would have been born alive he would not have needed any surgery on his heart and he would not have had any problems from it. Since they found out that I get blood clots when I'm pregnant they looked for clots. They didn't find any large clots in the placenta or umbilical cord. Dr. Batig did say that there could have been a series of small clots though. His cause of death is still unknown. They weren't able to pin point anything that caused it for sure. Our doctor believes that it was a combination of the sevre case of Gastroschisis and the blood clotting. Now for the good news! Nothing that Carson had was genetic and it was just something sparatic that happened, and it wont happen again. Also since they know about my blood clotting they'll be monitoring me very closely when I do get pregnant again. I'll have lots of appointments and ultrasounds and be put on blood thinners to prevent clots and reduce the risk of a misscarriage since I have a 25% chance of having one with every pregnancy. Hopefully being monitored so closely will help me to feel a little better and I wont stress out as much! Dr. Batig is setting up an appointment for us with a genetic counselor so they can discuss the autopsy results in more detail with us and hopefully we'll get even more information then. After getting off the phone with him I feel like I have a 100 questions now that I didn't think of until I hung up. I'll have to ask them when we go see the genetic counselor or when I go back to see Dr. Batig on the 29th. Well I just wanted to update everyone. Hopefully God will bless us with a healthy baby VERY soon!! WE LOVE YOU CARSON!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 months today....

I haven't written in a while because I was visiting my parents for the last 4 days and their computer wasn't working. Anyways...it has been 2 months today since Carson was born. For some weird reason it seems to have gone by quickly. It's hard to believe that if he was alive and here with us he'd be 2 months old already! I just keep going back to the whole it's not fair thing. I read somewhere that babies born at 24 weeks have a 90% chance of surviving. Carson was born at 25 weeks and if he would have been born alive he more than likely would be here with us today! I think that's the part that really gets me. I feel like he never even got a chance! Honestly I feel cheated. I never got to know Carson...his likes and dislikes. I never got to hear him call me Mommy or tell me that he loves me. I find myself wondering all the time what kind of things he would have been into and the person he would have been. It just hurts so damn much. I was starting to feel like things were getting a little easier for me each day but now I feel like I'm back tracking. It's so frusterating. I've been applying for jobs like crazy and I've had quite a few interviews, but NO ONE wants to hire me. I basically get told they're worried about me getting hired and then moving since Chris is in the Army. Which is REALLY annoying because it's like they think we move every 2-3 months. Who knows. I want a job really bad because I wanna make some money to add to our savings account but it seems like no one wants to trust me that we aren't moving! I'm really hoping that I get pregnant again soon though. I've been having some pregnancy symptoms but I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm sure they're all in my head. I'm trying not to stress about getting pregnant but it's kinda hard not to. My cycle is being weird so I'm not sure when I ovulate which makes it VERY hard to get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like everything falls apart at once and I just want to know why I don't deserve to be happy like so many other people. It's not like I'm trying to get people to pity me...because I'm not. And I know so many people have it worse than me, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it, as stupid as that sounds! Well I've blabbed on about enough random stuff for the night I'm going to head to bed......

Another interview....

So today I had yet another job interview. I'm glad I've gotten calls to come in for so many interviews but I haven't gotten a job yet :( Last week I had 4 interviews and this week I've had 1. Last week one of the interviews was a second interview for a medical office and I was sure I'd get the job. They kept telling me how perfect I was for the job and blah blah. I was so excited because the hours were perfect and the pay was great! My second interview was on Friday and I haven't heard back from them. They said they were going to check my references and let me know. If I don't hear back from them by today I'm going to send her an email because she told me that's the best way to contact her. I thought my interview today went really well too. I'd love to have this job! It's as a receptionist at a Family Practice doctor's office. There are 6 doctors there and the office seems to always stay busy! The hours are also perfect and the pay is also good. The manager said she had 2 more interviews to go today and then she would call me shortly after 4pm to let me know if I got the job or not. I'm really hoping I got it! They're hiring 2 receptionists but one has to speak Spanish and I honestly don't remember much from my 3 years of Spanish in high school. The whole job hunt has been kinda stressful. I'm really excited to find a job that I love and make some money so we can save towards buying a house but the search has been so frusterating! I feel like everytime I go into an interview and they see that I live on base they automatically think that I'll be moving in 2 months because my husband is in the Army. It's unfair! Yes we're military but we've been at this base for 3 years now and he's pretty sure he's reenlisting, and when he does he's going to reenlist to stay here since this is where my family is! I wish someone would just give me the benefit of the doubt! I haven't told any of the employers that I'm going to school to be a medical transcriptionist. I have told them I'm taking online medical terminology classes but I don't want them to not hire me because I don't want to be a receptionist for the rest of my life. This may sound kinda dorky but I actually really like being a receptionist lol. I enjoy it. But I'm hoping that I'll get pregnant again soon and I would actually like to be a stay at home mommy. That's why I chose to go to school to be a medical transcriptionist, so I can work from home. The interview I went into today was already making me feel a little guilty. I understand 100% that they want to hire someone to stay there long term, and that's what I'm looking for. A stable job. But when I'm done with my schooling in a year I would feel guilty quiting to go be a medical transcriptionist. lol If that makes any sense at all. The place I had the interview at this morning was really nice though because they understand if you have something that comes up family wise or have to go to a doctor's appointment and they have no problem with that. So it really would be a perfect job for me. Especially if I got pregnant again because I'll be having doctor's appointments every so often. Who knows. I really don't need to worry about quiting until I even have a job! haha. Maybe I'll end up getting a job that is perfect for me and I'll never want to leave it! Well this entry has pretty much just been nothing but a big ramble so I'm going to go do some homework and study a little. I've got a few hours before I hear anything back from the job. I'm going to be keeping my fingers crossed!

Losing weight...

I feel soooooo obese right now! I did really good losing weight after Carson was born and now it seems like I'm stuck at the same weight no matter how much I work out, and how healthy I eat! I'll admit that last week I only worked out twice but before that I was working out every single day...sometimes twice a day and nothing! I just want to scream! lol it's sooo annoying! I can fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans but they are waaaayyy too tight haha. Nothing I could wear in public! I bought one new pair of jeans at the beginning of September and they fit perfect. Now they're way too big but I'm in between sizes so I have no choice but to wear them. I'm obviously gaining muscle but it's just frusterating to not see the numbers on the scale going down. I'm going to have to work out hard this week! Anyways I just wanted to right about my frustration with losing weight! I'm going to go watch Prison Break with Chris and then head to bed. It seems like I can never get enough sleep these days! I'm super excited about tomorrow though! I'm hanging out with TC2.....we're going to Costco! It's gonna be fun...as always! Goodnight!!

It's going to be so hard to do...

I got an email last night from a friend of mine. She's pregnant with a little boy and due right around Christmas. Her and her husband are PCS'ing at the end of November so a friend of ours (who is also pregnant) is throwing a baby shower for her November 15th ....that's a week before I was due with Carson. She said she understands if it's too hard for me to go but I feel like I should go. We were pretty close through the deployment and she's a good friend. I'm sad that she's moving but it's not going to be easy to go that's for sure! Getting her email and the baby shower date made me feel sad all over again. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her that she's pregnant but I'm still sad that I'm not still pregnant. It also made me realize how close I would be to my due date right now if I was still pregnant. Sometimes I just get so angry about it. It's just NOT FAIR! I honestly wonder sometimes what in the world did I do to have to go through this? Everyone tells me that God wouldn't give me something I couldn't handle but sometimes I seriously wonder if I can handle all this pain. I pretend to be strong around others but in reality I'm not that strong at all. I really hope that we're able to get pregnant again soon and that we have a un-eventful pregnancy and that I get to take home a healthy screaming alive baby at the end. Hopefully everyone's right and God does have something big in store for Chris and I, because I know I couldn't handle the pain of having to lose a child again.

Carson

I got the idea to start a blog from one of my best friends Tiffany. She got the other Christy to do it so I thought I'd try it too. My life has been pretty rough lately so I'm hoping writing out my feelings will help. Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a Mommy when I grew up. So Chris and I were VERY excited when we found out we were pregnant. I felt like I waited so long for it and I couldn't believe it was really happening. It was like it was too good to be true. That's why losing Carson has been so hard on me. It's like I knew deep down it was going to happen and I couldn't do anything to stop it. The entire week before we went in for our last ultrasound appointment I kept telling Chris I just knew they wouldn't be able to find his heart beat. He kept telling me that I was just worrying and they would be able to find it and everything would be okay. So when we went in for out last ultrasound appointment and the tech told us " I'm not supposed to tell you this but I can't find a heart beat. I need to go get the doctor" I automatically just started bawling because I knew I had been right all along. It seems like every where I go now there's a million pregnant women. I swear everyone and their dog is pregnant! It's just not fair! I have a few friends that are expecting right now and it's not that I'm not happy for them but part of me just wants to know why they get to experience being a Mommy and I don't. I'm so scared that with this blood clotting I wont ever be able to have a healthy baby born ALIVE. I want to know what it's like to hold a screaming crying baby and I really hope I get the chance to sometime soon! These past 2 months have been really hard on me and I honestly don't think I could have gotten through it without my 2 best friends! I am seriously so lucky to have Christy and Tiffany! They've been there for me when I've needed them the most and that's when you really find out who your true friends are. I know everything I've just written doesn't really make sense right now and I bounce around to a 100 different topics but it feels good to just type out what I'm feeling right now. Oh well it's my first time doing this whole blog thing...what can I say...