It's going to be so hard to do...

I got an email last night from a friend of mine. She's pregnant with a little boy and due right around Christmas. Her and her husband are PCS'ing at the end of November so a friend of ours (who is also pregnant) is throwing a baby shower for her November 15th ....that's a week before I was due with Carson. She said she understands if it's too hard for me to go but I feel like I should go. We were pretty close through the deployment and she's a good friend. I'm sad that she's moving but it's not going to be easy to go that's for sure! Getting her email and the baby shower date made me feel sad all over again. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her that she's pregnant but I'm still sad that I'm not still pregnant. It also made me realize how close I would be to my due date right now if I was still pregnant. Sometimes I just get so angry about it. It's just NOT FAIR! I honestly wonder sometimes what in the world did I do to have to go through this? Everyone tells me that God wouldn't give me something I couldn't handle but sometimes I seriously wonder if I can handle all this pain. I pretend to be strong around others but in reality I'm not that strong at all. I really hope that we're able to get pregnant again soon and that we have a un-eventful pregnancy and that I get to take home a healthy screaming alive baby at the end. Hopefully everyone's right and God does have something big in store for Chris and I, because I know I couldn't handle the pain of having to lose a child again.