2 months today....

I haven't written in a while because I was visiting my parents for the last 4 days and their computer wasn't working. Anyways...it has been 2 months today since Carson was born. For some weird reason it seems to have gone by quickly. It's hard to believe that if he was alive and here with us he'd be 2 months old already! I just keep going back to the whole it's not fair thing. I read somewhere that babies born at 24 weeks have a 90% chance of surviving. Carson was born at 25 weeks and if he would have been born alive he more than likely would be here with us today! I think that's the part that really gets me. I feel like he never even got a chance! Honestly I feel cheated. I never got to know Carson...his likes and dislikes. I never got to hear him call me Mommy or tell me that he loves me. I find myself wondering all the time what kind of things he would have been into and the person he would have been. It just hurts so damn much. I was starting to feel like things were getting a little easier for me each day but now I feel like I'm back tracking. It's so frusterating. I've been applying for jobs like crazy and I've had quite a few interviews, but NO ONE wants to hire me. I basically get told they're worried about me getting hired and then moving since Chris is in the Army. Which is REALLY annoying because it's like they think we move every 2-3 months. Who knows. I want a job really bad because I wanna make some money to add to our savings account but it seems like no one wants to trust me that we aren't moving! I'm really hoping that I get pregnant again soon though. I've been having some pregnancy symptoms but I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm sure they're all in my head. I'm trying not to stress about getting pregnant but it's kinda hard not to. My cycle is being weird so I'm not sure when I ovulate which makes it VERY hard to get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like everything falls apart at once and I just want to know why I don't deserve to be happy like so many other people. It's not like I'm trying to get people to pity me...because I'm not. And I know so many people have it worse than me, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it, as stupid as that sounds! Well I've blabbed on about enough random stuff for the night I'm going to head to bed......