Carson

I got the idea to start a blog from one of my best friends Tiffany. She got the other Christy to do it so I thought I'd try it too. My life has been pretty rough lately so I'm hoping writing out my feelings will help. Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a Mommy when I grew up. So Chris and I were VERY excited when we found out we were pregnant. I felt like I waited so long for it and I couldn't believe it was really happening. It was like it was too good to be true. That's why losing Carson has been so hard on me. It's like I knew deep down it was going to happen and I couldn't do anything to stop it. The entire week before we went in for our last ultrasound appointment I kept telling Chris I just knew they wouldn't be able to find his heart beat. He kept telling me that I was just worrying and they would be able to find it and everything would be okay. So when we went in for out last ultrasound appointment and the tech told us " I'm not supposed to tell you this but I can't find a heart beat. I need to go get the doctor" I automatically just started bawling because I knew I had been right all along. It seems like every where I go now there's a million pregnant women. I swear everyone and their dog is pregnant! It's just not fair! I have a few friends that are expecting right now and it's not that I'm not happy for them but part of me just wants to know why they get to experience being a Mommy and I don't. I'm so scared that with this blood clotting I wont ever be able to have a healthy baby born ALIVE. I want to know what it's like to hold a screaming crying baby and I really hope I get the chance to sometime soon! These past 2 months have been really hard on me and I honestly don't think I could have gotten through it without my 2 best friends! I am seriously so lucky to have Christy and Tiffany! They've been there for me when I've needed them the most and that's when you really find out who your true friends are. I know everything I've just written doesn't really make sense right now and I bounce around to a 100 different topics but it feels good to just type out what I'm feeling right now. Oh well it's my first time doing this whole blog thing...what can I say...