I miss Carson!!!

I was trying to fall asleep but I just couldn't. So I decided to get online and write an entry since I hadn't done one yet today. I miss Carson soooooo much! I just wish I could hold him one last time! I guess the thing that's bothering me the most is that in some way I feel like he never really had a chance at life. I feel like I failed Carson as his mother. It was my job to keep him safe while he was in my tummy and I feel like I didn't do that. If he would have just been born alive I feel like he would have at least been given a chance at life! He would have had the best doctor's at Seattle Childrens and maybe they would have been able to save him... just maybe! Thinking about everything that happened with Carson has really got me worrying about this little bean again. I just wish we could fast forward at least a month and not only find out what we're having but have our level II ultrasound just so I can know that everything's okay and that the baby is healthy. I know we're never 100% out of the woods until that baby is born alive and screaming in my arms but I feel like I will at least be able to breathe easier then. Hopefully our ultrasound on the 15th will help me to relax. I just hope everything still looks great with the baby and that it stays healthy. I honestly don't think I'm strong enough to go through another loss. I truly believe it would break me. The pain of losing a child is something no one should ever have to go through and my heart breaks for the family's that have had to go through multiple losses. I can't imagine! Tiffany and I are going to church on Sunday. Hopefully that will help me to feel better and find some peace! I feel like going to church is the least I could do since I spend everyday praying that God will give us a healthy baby to bring home from the hospital. I have faith in God and trust him but I just pray that everything works out this time. Well that's probably enough blabbing for tonight lol. I'm going to try once again to get some sleep. I have a lot of homework to finish up tomorrow since I've been putting it off all week. I just hope Carson knows how much his mommy and daddy love him and miss him. I truly love him with all my heart and wish he could be here with us.